Morison Milk: This phrase evoked either disgust or passion. The subject was polarizing, and seemingly none had middling feelings about it. The story of the Morison Milk is one of controversy, betrayal, and community.
“The Milk is integral, pivotal even. You need it to survive.”
- College Nine Resident
The Milk’s Reign
For many Morison inhabitants, The Milk has spanned the entirety of their entire college days. “It’s been there for as long as I can remember,” says Max Ominsky, a Morison resident. It appeared in the shower one fateful day, half full, and fully horizontal. Seemingly magically, The Milk moved positions and destinations every day, as an Elf on The Shelf would.
The Milk did not beg for attention, people just naturally gravitated towards it. Its aura was convincing and prominent. It was widely loved; a 2021 poll showed that 87.4% of Morison inhabitants were in favor of The Milk. (Figure 1) Student testimonies are strong, too. When asked about The Milk, Sydney Wall described her feelings as “pure lust.” Her attractions were to “the way it chunked”, and its “good size.”
The Milk was not any one thing to everyone. Even those who don’t reside in Morison feel strongly about The Milk. Josh, a College Nine student, felt “confident” in The Milk’s power. When he found out about The Milk’s disappearance, he was “In tears. Heartbroken.” He found it unfathomable that The Milk was gone. This strong deposition spoke volumes to the power of The Milk. It was a free-standing manifestation of peoples’ true selves and desires. It served the purpose that you needed fulfilled. The Milk did not discriminate. On the contrary, it embraced and accepted.
The Downfall of the Milk
On October 7, 2021, a travesty occurred. The Milk vanished. On that morning, I awoke and felt that something was different. So far, I have refrained from including my testimonials in this article. However, I can no longer contain myself. I believe that I had a true, real connection with The Milk, like many others in the building. At approximately 7:21AM on that day, I arose violently. The feeling that encompassed me can only be attributed to a dementor’s kiss. My soul was sucked from my body. As I write this article, I have countless words for The Milk, but none can describe the passion not only I, but all of Morison holds for this Milk. As I sat in my bed on that cursed day, I did not have time to think. I couldn’t possibly look back on all of the precious moments I spent with The Milk.
Dumbfounded, eyes watering, heart racing, all I could utter was a simple “It’s gone.” I cannot definitively say that my experience was unique. I doubt it was. It had too strong of a grasp on all of us.. Perhaps The Milk held too much power. Maybe the jealousy of those who were incapable of such connections grew too great. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. The Milk is gone, and that may never change.
The Aftermath
As news began to circulate the building, chaos was rampant. For the day, no one knew what to do with themselves. Many skipped classes, others refused to leave their rooms. The normally-bustling lounge was as barren as Death Valley. The few people in the halls wandered aimlessly about, bearing a hollow heart and a thousand-yard stare. This state of vacancy may have only lasted a day, but to most it felt like years. This was the darkest timeline. Slowly, unsurely, the Morison community has been repairing itself. Not by choice, but by pure submission. Quite a few residents have given up hope on the return of The Milk. Its future is incredibly cloudy. And yet, remarkably, The Milk is still finding ways to bring us together in the creation of this website.
The Removal and Suspects
While The Milk has not been found, it is not definitively gone. There is reason to believe that the person or persons who captured our beloved milk could be holding it as a hostage. Seemingly everyone loved The Milk, but there were some that were put off by its existence. The polling displayed earlier in the article illustrates that the vast majority of students were in favor of The Milk. However, during The Milk’s reign, some backlash was received, and a small group of radicalists pressured the fourth floor inhabitants to remove The Milk, via Steven Abdelshahid.
It seems very likely that when the fourth floor stood in solidarity with The Milk, the radicalists took matters into their own hands. They would just be another name on the long list of those who acted irrationally to defy the general public’s wishes. Another possibility is that a rat from another building removed The Milk. The Morison lounge is always poppin’, and lounge-goers are often residents of other buildings, occasionally even those from other colleges. Morison’s popularity is not wholly beneficial, as it can attract jealousy and resentment from those who stand to lose acclaim. During one of countless visits, an impostor from another house could have easily taken The Milk and disposed of it, or kept it for themselves. Some simply could not see The Milk for its positives. They were blinded by jealousy and hatred, and committed an unforgivable act of sin.
Reparations
The last thing to address is maybe the hardest to answer. The Morison house seeks indemnification for the atrocities that have been committed. It’s hard to positively say how, or why this happened. We at Morison Milk® just hope that whoever did this seeks us out, and makes it right. Forgiveness may not be possible, but it does take substance to own up to a crime.
We fully intend to file a lawsuit and pursue a cash compensation on the grounds of emotional distress, defamation of character, first degree theft, and a slew of other charges. We beg, if The Milk is still out there, to just bring it back to us. I apologize if you couldn’t see what we do, but The Milk is invaluable to us. To quote Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, "If there is no milk, then there is no purpose. And what is life without purpose?"
“If there is no milk, then there is no purpose. And what is life without purpose?”
- Sun Tzu
